I am because you were. A letter to my Dad

It has been 6 years since you left this realm. 6 years since I have heard your voice. 6 years since I have felt your hug or your kiss on my cheek. 6 years. Not a day goes by that you are not on my mind.

When you passed away my world collapsed. My biggest fan was gone. I did not know what I was going to do without you. Who was I going to laugh with when Mom and Ricky were being ridiculous? Who was going to ask me if I wanted to go to Sonic? Who was going to take rides with me to the store to get our father daughter time in? Who was going to appreciate the cars the way we did?

I have not stopped talking to you. Do you hear me? Can you feel my love and sadness? Can you feel the anger I have been trying to release? So many questions I already know the answers to but just want to hear you tell me yes.

Things have not been the same since you left. We are all still so hurt, angry and sad and do not know exactly how to deal with it. We fight because we want you here and do not know what else to do. Mom and Ricky show their grief in anger. Mari and I are more silent in our hurting and very sad deep down. I know you would not want us to be apart or not speaking. I know this. I also know that you would not want us to settle for anything less.

I am finding my way spiritually and trying so hard to connect to my inner self. I would be lying if I said I was ready to feel this. Truth is, I have hidden from my feelings for so long it is almost natural for me to stuff them down and forget them, but we all know what happens when I do that. I do not want to go back to my life of living in fear of what people think of me and my choices. It is my life. This is my journey, and I chose to come to this world and learn something new of myself. I was given the best Dad I could have ever asked for and although your time here on Earth was so short, I am starting to learn that you gave me all the tools I would need to live in this world without you.

I know you tried to hang on and you fought ALS as best you could. Even on your deathbed you were still thinking of everyone else except yourself. You showed us what true unconditional love really meant. What it meant to enjoy the moment and not worry about what you had no control over. You taught us to laugh and enjoy life. I can tell you right now we have all forgotten what that means. You always found the good in everything. You always knew the right thing to say. You always had the answer to make me feel better and know that I am loved.

I know that you did not want to leave us the way you did but I also know that your life and death had a purpose. I am learning myself and learning to connect more to my spirituality. I know how much it meant to you. I know you wanted the best for us and still do. You are with us every step of the way and have not left our side.

My hope is that Ricky and Mom can find peace. That they can understand that it is ok to be vulnerable and show that they are human. I hope you can help guide them to that and show them what true unconditional love really means. I know you will. I hope that you envelope my little sister in your arms tonight and tomorrow and that you show her that you are still there and that she will be ok without you here physically.

I know I still have a lot of learning and growing to do but I am ready for this journey. I am ready to feel the feelings I have tried to hard to hide. We can never get you back, but we can forever keep you in our hearts, minds and souls. Rest assured I will find my way and I will be ok. Afterall, I learned from the best.

Love you my beautiful angel. Please continue to take care of us and see us through this thing call life!


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