I never stopped loving you
I never stopped loving you, I just don’t like who you are as a person. The way you act like nothing happened and like I am supposed to just carry on like nothing did. For 35 1/2 years of my life I put up with your actions, words and feelings. Why? Because you are my mom. I can’t say that I miss you because I do not miss the mom that I grew up to know.
You meant the world to me as kid, and I always looked up to you. As I got older I started to realize that you are a broken person. You have trauma that you never dealt with. I cannot get mad at you for that or hold it against you because you were not given the tools to change or deal with that. However, you have had 30+ years to address your hurts and anger and make yourself a better person and you haven’t.
I spent my whole life trying to make you happy and be the child you wanted me to be all while not being true to myself. Since Dad died I have done a lot of soul searching. I have cursed God and the situation we are in. Over time and much reflection, I have learned that things were meant to happen this way so that I can come into my own and finally be ok with who I am because this is me and God does not make mistakes. Do you know that I used to cry myself to sleep and pray to God that if I was not supposed to be gay to strike me down and take those feelings away? What child thinks that way!? Why did I think I was wrong or broken? Because a stupid “religious” book that was written by a man that people pick and choose what they believe in told us to? It’s sad to think that we are controlled by man made words. My God does not judge me and never has. The only thing he has ever taught me is unconditional love. I know this because he has saved me more than once. And you know this.
It is not my job to make you feel comfortable or spare your feelings. I have done that for too long. I have done you a disservice by pretending everything was always good and that all was fine. And for that I can only blame myself. Blame myself for not being strong enough to stand up for me and put an end to this years ago. I am on a spiritual journey, and I am finding myself. I have never been prouder of who I am.
None of us deserved what happened to our family but we cannot take that out on everyone around us. Especially each other. Dad did not deserve to die the way that he did but that was his life journey, and I will not let him die in vain. All he ever wanted was for us to be a loving and caring family. He never would have wanted us to not speak or see each other for years or treat each other or our significant others like shit. Especially when you never gave her a chance from the beginning.
Telling me you love and miss me is no longer enough. I know you do. The least you can do is acknowledge your actions and truly apologize for how you acted. Our life’s journey is not to worry about what the hell other people think about us. If they have anything negative to say that is a them problem. That is called projection. And this world is full of it. Instead of acknowledging our downfalls and what makes us feel so small, we act out and treat others like they are beneath us or don’t deserve us. That is going to stop.
I have been having dreams about you lately. Whether we are speaking to each other directly or you are just in the room, I can feel the rage I have towards you in them and unleash on you in the most toxic way. I don’t want to feel this anger towards you anymore. It’s taking so much out of me and seeping into my subconscious. It’s not healthy.
I will no longer accept disrespectful behavior. I will no longer allow you to talk bad about me or my wife. If you want to be in my life you will change your ways and learn to love unconditionally and I mean, UNCONDITIONALLY. You will apologize and understand what you are apologizing for. Not just because it is what you are expected to do. Words are no longer the solution. Actions are the only thing I will accept. Until you can understand that and prove to me that you do, you will not be a part of my life.
For the first time in my life, I am setting boundaries. I am standing up for myself and my wife. You will not go and tell everyone your version of things because it is always construed and never the truth. You can choose to accept them and respect my boundaries or understand that you will not be a part of my life.